Dating Tip #15 Limit the texting

In this day and age you maybe wondering why I would recommend limiting text messages during the early stages of dating someone. To give you some context, in my professional life I have a significant amount of experience providing psychotherapy to patients and many of whom were having relational or dating difficulties as one of the main reasons they were seeing me. I cannot count how many times I would hear from patients about arguments or assumptions being made causing friction in relationships due to texting. In my own personal life, I’ve also experienced this dynamic when I’ve dated people and wondered why they didn’t get back to me regarding a text I sent for several hours or get stressed out because I misinterpreted something that they wrote to me and it was simply not helpful. There is definitely a time and a place for texting however I will go over a few reasons why it would be wise to use texting in a more effective manner when dating.

1. Texting leaves a lot of room for assumptions. Imagine going on a first date with the woman that you’re quickly developing a strong crush on. You go ahead and text her a flirty text message and telling her you want to see her again and you don’t hear from her the rest of the day. Now, imagine what starts going through your head. Your thoughts may range from ,”why isn’t she texting me?,” or,”she must not be interested in me.” Now depending on what direction your thought process goes you can end up being sad, angry, or disappointed but what do you actually know at this point? All you really know is that you sent this person a text and you have absolutely no idea why that other person is not responding. I’ve seen this happen so many times, and in a lapse of anger or insecurity you may end up sending a rude follow-up text that really isn’t helpful. All the while, this other person may simply be busy at work, out with friends, or not big on texting and it has nothing to do with you unless you’re able to get more information. I used to recommend to patients to try to catch themselves when they’re making assumptions versus going off of what they actually know. Unfortunately, in my opinion texting as a form of communication leaves the most room for misinterpretation and assumptions.

2. To follow up on misinterpretations, ever have somebody respond to a joke you made poorly? This simply didn’t get it or they didn’t know you meant it to be funny and got offended? Well, texting because there is no face-to-face or voice involved, leaves a greater chance for something that you text to be misinterpreted and that is the last thing you want to happen during the beginning phase of dating.

3. In my opinion the best form of communication is face-to-face because you can read body language, you can talk things out and there is less room for misinterpretation or assumptions. Talking on the phone is better than texting and not as good as face-to-face due to not being able to read another person’s body language. However, for a more serious conversation I would definitely recommend face-to-face or phone versus having a lengthy text message conversation about something of significance.

4. There is a time and place for texting in dating life. If you meet somebody off of a dating site/app of course you will be texting and screening each other out before agreeing to a date. I would recommend going through the general screening out questions then get to the point and set up an in-person date quickly and from that point just wait until you two meet in person. Also, texting simple things like wishing someone a good day or telling them that you’re thinking about them without expecting an immediate response and confirming times to meet or a place to meet are pretty simple things where texting is very convenient and useful.

I would strongly recommend not getting into serious discussions over texting especially in the early stages of dating. Once you two are in a committed relationship it’s really up to you and your significant other on how you want to use texting. Just remember, I used to have plenty of people end up in my office for psychotherapy due to relational issues that were intensified due to arguments that started off as text conversations which would’ve been much more easily handled if they simply talked about more significant things in person instead of through text. So take that for what it’s worth. Until next time, Best of luck.

Dating tip #14 Setting up the second date

So imagine you’re out with an engaging woman that you find very attractive and know that you want to ask this person out again for a second date. However, you find yourself struggling with when you should ask this person out again or whether you should wait until after the first date so you don’t look desperate and by the end of the first date you end up feeling nervous and not sure of what to do next. Here are some simple pointers to help set up the second date.

On the first date, while you’re asking about what she’s into pay close attention to hobbies and interests that may also interest you. For example, she may mention she likes to go hiking or is really into some other activity that you have at least a minimal interest in. Try to find two or three to keep in the back of your mind and you can use this information in two ways. During the first date you can feel things out casually by saying something to the effect of, “there’s this really good hiking spot I go to every now and then with friends and we should go sometime.” If this is done casually and you get a positive response then follow-up a few days later after your first date and ask her out to the activity you have already mentioned. Another way to go about this is a few days after your first date to send your date a message or phone call and tell her that you remembered that she mentioned she was really into “whatever hobby/Interest,” and ask her if she would like to join you doing one of these activities for a second date.

When is it too soon ask for a second date? This dilemma reminds me of a time when before cell phones were super common in the 1990’s when the general rule of thumb was to wait at least three days before calling a girl after getting her phone number to not look too desperate. This requires some good intuition and not everybody is the same. For example, I had gone on a few dates with one woman and she seemed to prefer daily texting back and forth after our first couple of dates. With a different woman I dated after her, I made the mistake of assuming she would want the same level of attention and she basically called me annoying for texting her too much after a couple dates. Best thing to do would be to ask during your first date if she is a type of person that likes texting often or talking on the phone or neither. If you don’t have this information I would recommend playing it cool and text or call her 3 to 4 days later and mention that you had a really good time on the first date and ask her out for the second date.

Asking a woman out for a second date in my opinion is usually easier than asking for a first date in most cases. So if you’ve gotten this far then you have done the hard part and hope you get the second date. Best of luck.

Dating tip #13 Chivalry is not dead

One major factor in having a successful date is making your date feel as comfortable as possible. It may feel a little old-fashioned, but in my experience doing a few things to show that you’re a gentleman will go a long way in making yourself stick out from the crowd. Several platonic girlfriends have lamented to me about wishing their dates would have better manners and be more chivalrous. You don’t need to go over the top but a few pointers can help make your date feel respected and help you in your dating life.

Tip 1

Make it a practice of opening doors for your date. This sounds simple enough, but a lot of guys don’t do it. If you don’t do this already, be conscious of this and open doors for not only your dates but other women in your life. Also, make sure you let your date sit before you do when she’s joining you for a meal if you don’t want to pull out a chair for her if that feels too formal for you. These two things are easy to do and your date will likely notice.

Tip 2

Walk outside of her so that you are closest to the street when you’re walking together. This is another simple practice of having good manners and helps to let your date feel more protected and safe. If you’re not used to doing this just practice doing it in your daily life so that it will become a habit.

Tip 3

Don’t be afraid to give flowers to your date. I recommend doing this around the third or fourth date at the earliest. If you have significant interest you can surprise her by having them delivered to her or bring them in person. I don’t recommend doing this too early on because it can come across as desperate and inappropriate.

Sometime during the first or second date ask her what her favorite color is and you can incorporate her favorite color into the type of flowers you choose or as part of the flower wrap. If you choose to go with roses, I recommend going with pink because each rose shade has a meaning and pink comes across as less serious then red and usually goes over well early in a dating relationship. Here is a link to a guide on rose flower shades from passiongrowers.com.

These three simple tips will be a good start. If you don’t do them already, I would recommend incorporating these simple tips as part of your dating etiquette. Best of luck.

Dating tip #12 I get the Asian Glow/Flush and it’s really embarrassing

Unfortunately a large number of people of East Asian descent including myself, experience the Asian Glow/Flush when drinking alcohol. This can be embarrassing in social settings and often very physically uncomfortable. If you’re not familiar with the Asian Flush, imagine your face turning beat red and even your neck and feeling a very uncomfortable burning sensation. There are a few ways I’ve seen people deal with this, one is to not care, DIY solutions that you can find on the Internet or even products which I have no idea whether or not they work or not, or decide not to drink alcohol. For myself through different seasons of my life I’ve either been a social drinker or chosen not to drink alcohol which is my current lifestyle choice.

I’m not going to promote any DIY solutions or products primarily because of studies like this. This link to an article from the National Institute of health include statements like, “It is very important for clinicians who treat patients of East Asian descent to be aware of the risk of esophageal cancer from alcohol consumption in their patients who exhibit the alcohol flushing response, so they can counsel them about limiting their drinking,” says NIAAA Acting Director Kenneth R. Warren, Ph.D.” For myself, I decided that it wasn’t worth the risk to continue drinking alcohol to possibly increase my chance of getting esophageal cancer.

The Asian flush can feel very embarrassing and make people feel self-conscious especially in social and dating settings. You may feel left out if you choose not to drink alcohol and out of place in social settings like happy hour, dates, or simply just about any activity that includes alcohol. There is not one single way to handle this, I have friends who have no problem going out to happy hour or a winery and abstaining from drinking alcohol. On the other hand, I often have felt uncomfortable being sober at a drinking outing if I chose not to drink because I would get bored while sober. Everyone responds differently in situations like this.

Tips on how to handle this in a dating situation

  1. If you don’t drink just be upfront with your date. In my experience, most women will respect this and the ones that don’t are pretty far and few between.
  2. At a social outing you don’t have to be embarrassed because you don’t drink alcohol. One of the most confident things you can say is,” I don’t drink because I’m allergic.” Sounds simple enough but I’ve only seen very few people handle it that way.
  3. If you do choose to drink alcohol and feel self-conscious about this, telling your date beforehand will more than likely decrease your anxiety about it.
  4. If you choose not to drink alcohol, experiment going out with your friends and see if you have a good time or if you feel uncomfortable in settings abstaining from alcohol. Everyone is different regarding this and the only way to find out is to try for yourself.

What I don’t recommend doing is allowing yourself to be very self-conscious about this and be the guy constantly asking a friend or whoever you’re with if you’re turning red or not. It is a natural response to do this, I’ve done it myself in the past but learning to be comfortable in your own skin is very important not only in dating but in most aspects of your life. So if you do experience the Asian flush, it doesn’t have to severely affect your dating life. You just have to make a decision about how you’re going to handle and communicate about it whether that includes drinking alcohol or choosing to abstain. Best of luck.

Dating tip #11 Using dating apps part 2

A lot of dating apps use the swipe to match method. One of the most well-known of these apps is Tinder. However if Tinder doesn’t work well for you then there are other options. One option is Coffee meets Bagel which gives you a match once a day and an opportunity for both people to decide whether or not they want to proceed into a chat. I’ll go over both of these Apps and there are a large number of other dating apps some which are similar to the swipe to message method and others that come with a twist. Here is a link to an article from the HuffingtonPost that will give you a few more dating app options. I’ll go over the pros and cons of swipe to match apps from my point of view.

Tinder is basically a dating app where you can swipe to reject or to match with another person if they also swipe to match.

Pros

Tinder has a very large user base so there is an opportunity to possibly match with a large number of people. It is also very good at finding people near your current location. This type of app gives you the opportunity to possibly match with a very large number of people in your area.

Cons

If you don’t set good time limits it can get very time-consuming in spending time swiping several people to possibly get a match. Very dependent on photos, so if you are an average looking guy it may be more difficult to get a good number of matches.

The dating app Coffee meets Bagel which the basic premise is you’ll receive one match a day and if other person decides to match with you then you can enter a chat together.

Pros

Much less time-consuming than other dating apps. This can be a good app to use if you are experiencing dating burnout but still want to be open to meeting new people. Gives you a set time in the chat room which is conducive to setting up a date efficiently. Since you only have to check it once a day, it is very low maintenance.

Cons

Since the general concept of this dating app is to have a match a day you can it can feel much more limiting than other dating apps in regards to the number of people you can message. It can take some patience especially during lulls when other people are not swiping the match with you. Overall, I like this app because it is very time efficient.

So for these type of swipe to a message dating apps they also offer a wide range from Apps like Tinder where are you can swipe away with many possible matches to very low maintenance dating apps like Coffee meets Bagel. My recommendation is to find two or three dating apps that work for you and to experiment a little bit to find which ones you like the most and stick with those two or three apps whether they be swipe to message apps or direct message dating apps. Best of luck.

Dating Tip #10 Dating apps, tips on how to use them part 1

Presently, there are so many different dating apps to choose from that I will describe them by types. There are pros and cons to each type and with newer apps some come with different twists but the concepts are generally pretty similar. The types I’m more familiar with are the swipe to match type of apps or the direct message type of dating apps like OkCupid or Plenty of Fish. There really isn’t a,”best,” dating app to use as they all have their pros and cons so lets go over apps like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish that offer a direct message route.

Pros

You can message a lot of people depending on how much time and effort you want to invest. They are also both good for locating people within your vicinity. The pool of users is pretty big so there is the opportunity to meet a lot of different types of people. There is generally a wide variety of people looking for different things ranging from casual dating to serious relationships depending on what you are looking for.

Cons

The sheer number of people on these dating apps can feel overwhelming. It can get frustrating messaging several women in order to get a response, and sometimes no response at all despite messaging several different people. Remember, women generally get a lot more messages on these types of apps than men so don’t take it personally if you don’t get many responses. These types of dating apps can get very time consuming due to messaging several different people to get a response.

Tip 1

Sending messages to a mass amount of strangers can feel very repetitive with very little return on your time and effort and you may feel the temptation to simply cut-and-paste your intro message instead of sending a detailed message to each person. This is pretty common, I suggest if you do use a cut and paste intro message to glance over the other person’s profile and after your cut and pasted intro message to mention something that you saw in the other person’s profile that caught your interest. This will show that you at least to took the time to look over their profile.

Tip 2

Set a time limit for yourself. It’s very easy to experience burn out and get discouraged using apps like this if you don’t prioritize your time. I recommend that you set aside a period of time ranging from a half hour to one hour each day to message people. This will help you to not disregard your other responsibilities while searching for dating prospects. If you do get discouraged, remember that this is a numbers game with these apps and some days you’ll match with somebody very quickly and other times you might go through a dry spell. Setting a time limit should help limit this feeling of discouragement during the dry spells.

Tip 3

Keep in mind when you do enter a text conversation what the dating prospect that they most likely are getting messages from several other men. So it’s very important that after a few feeling out questions that you get to the point and ask the person out on a date. Remember, you’re not looking for a chat buddy and beyond a few screening questions you can save your questions for when you’re out on a date.

Tip 4

Fill out as many questions as you can on the app to help improve your matches. Often the sheer amount of questions apps like this will ask about you may feel overwhelming. If you find this to be the case, then fill out a few questions a day and this should help improve your chances to match with someone with similar interests. Also, if a woman is seriously considering going out on a date with you then the questions that you have answered may help the other person to feel that the two of you may have some things in common.

These apps in particular do require a solid amount of time and effort. I do believe they are worth a try and just keep in mind when you get discouraged that at least you could do this from the comfort of your own home in your pajamas instead of going out to ask out a bunch of women. With some time and effort you may meet some interesting people. I personally have friends who have had long-term relationships with people they have met on these types of dating apps and I know one couple that got married after meeting on one of these sites. I’ve personally gone on several dates using these types of dating apps so I do feel they have some use. Best of luck.

Dating Tip #9 Be honest with yourself about your intentions

One key to being a good date but also a good partner in a serious relationship is having good insight about yourself and your expectations in a relationship. This will help you to be able to communicate clearly with whoever you choose to date and to your future long-term partner. You can start the process even before you meet that special someone. If you don’t know what you’re looking for then who does?

If you can be brutally honest with yourself about where you’re at in life and what you’re looking for in dating, this may will help clarify to yourself and to others what your intentions are. This is important to help yourself set good boundaries and limits with others and also to own your choices to avoid playing a victim card. One example of this would be if you’re in a place where you know that all you’re looking for is casual dating and hookups then you can weigh the risks versus rewards to that type of approach. If all you’re looking for is a hook up it would be wise to weigh the risks that you might catch an STD or have some other unwanted drama in your life and then you may be able to better weigh the pros and cons of your approach.

Likewise, if you know you’re looking for a serious relationship or possibly someone to marry then the lens that you see through on whom you choose to date will be much different than if you were just looking for casual dating and hookups. If you don’t take the time to assess what your goals are in dating then you may just float around aimlessly without filtering out dating prospects that don’t fit what you’re looking for.

Let’s do an exercise together.

Imagine you have 3 cups and you only have enough liquid to fill one cup to its maximum another cup half way and very little liquid left to fill the third cup and the criteria of this exercise is that you have to choose one to fill to its maximum and one to fill halfway and one to have a few droplets left. Now, one cup is labeled,” physical beauty,” and the second cup is,” personality,” and the third cup is labeled, “character.” Now I want you to go ahead and fill your imaginary cups.

So if you immediately filled the physical beauty cup to its maximum and the character cup comes in third then you may be more suited for casual dating at this point in my opinion. If over time character and personality become more important to you then you may be developing more towards wanting a committed long term relationship as your focus. I’m not saying physical attraction is not important because it is, however if that is your end goal it’s not sustainable because we all age and after the initial rush of dating someone for a few months or longer then reality eventually sets in. From personal experience, I’ve dated women that I have found beautiful at the beginning of a relationship and by the end I found them quite unattractive mainly due to character and personality. On the other hand, I’ve met women that my attraction grew over time due to character and personality.

This is a pretty simple exercise but I would do it every few months in your dating life to help provide some clarity and framework for what you’re looking for. This can change back-and-forth depending on what’s going on in your own life but it’s important to assess yourself from time to time so that you can own your decisions and be able to filter out what you are not looking for. Best of luck.

Dating tip #8 Building your internet dating profile

Your online dating profile picture will be the first and possibly last thing your dating prospects will see on your dating profile. So why not put some extra effort into it? It is definitely worth putting in a little bit of effort into your dating profile whether or not you feel like people are ever going to read it or not. This is because the women that are genuinely interested in going on a date with you will likely eventually read it. It doesn’t take much time and just as you would if you were job searching and posting your information on a job networking site, you want to put your best foot forward.

Some tips on your profile picture

1.Make sure your picture is recent enough to be an accurate representation of what you currently look like. If you’ve ever been on a date with someone using a picture from several years ago and they looked nothing like it, speaking for myself I really didn’t appreciate it the couple of times it happened to me. Be confident enough to use a recent picture.

2. Don’t wear hats or sunglasses in your profile picture. I recommend using a picture from your shoulders up that people can clearly see your face.

3. Don’t use selfies, they usually don’t look very good on a profile pic and it shows a lack of effort. If you must use a cropped group photo, make sure it’s not a picture of you and another woman with their head cropped out because doing that also doesn’t make a good impression.

4. If you don’t have any recent pictures of yourself that you like then take the time to create some new ones. Ask a friend for an hour of their time and have them take a couple of good head shots with good natural lighting and wear a nice shirt and you should be good to go.

I recommend using at least four to five pictures in your dating profile. You don’t necessarily need to use group photos but if you do, try to use one that shows you’re out doing an activity you like, for example a group photo while out hiking. This type of picture will also help others see what you look like from the shoulders down.

You may be tempted to take shortcuts in the blurb about yourself but don’t because women generally get a lot more messages than men do, especially Asian men so put your best foot forward. If you use generic terms like,” I like to travel, I like going out to eat, and I like movies.” This sounds very generic, use some specific examples like where you recently traveled to and what you liked about it and what types of food you like and why and also for example if you do you like movies name a couple that are your favorite. You get the idea, doing this will make your profile feel more personable.

As long as you take care of those two parts, you’re good. I’ll leave it up to you on whether or not you want to share what you are looking for in a potential date because that can often change depending on what stage of life you are in. I hope these couple of tips help with your online dating profile. Best of luck.

Dating tip #7 Thanks for the tips guy but I can’t even get a date, Part 2

Let’s continue where we left off and explore some other options of where you can meet women to ask out on a date. We’re going to explore some options that are more conducive to building organic relationships that often start out as friendships and can possibly move on to something more. These options will help decrease socially isolative behavior and help you to put yourself out there to meet people and try new things. So let’s get started.

Meet up groups

Meet up groups are a good way to make new friends and try new activities or practice hobbies you already have while making new friends. Meetup.com has plenty of different groups and activities ranging from single groups to activity groups like hiking, trying new restaurants, and just about anything you can think of that you don’t want to do alone. If you feel like you don’t have many friends to spend time with or have recently moved to a new city,  this can be a very good option for you to meet new people in a way that is more relaxed then going on a one-on-one date.

Pros

The pros of this approach is that you get to meet new people and try new activities in a relaxed setting. It’s a good way to practice improving your social skills and meet people with common interests. Also, the stakes are pretty low in that there are so many meet up groups that if you don’t click with people in one group you can simply try a different one very easily.

Cons

While you may make friends there is no guarantee that you’ll meet eligible singles unless you join a singles meet up group or something similar. You may be tempted to not stretch yourself by not asking people and just stay in your comfort zone due to fear of rejection with the people that you meet in these groups. Other than that, there aren’t too many cons to this approach, because either way you get a chance to meet new people and try new things which is very healthy for you whether you find a date or not.

Church small group/Volunteering

If you happen to be a Christian and go to church regularly joining a small group is one of the best things you can do to build organic relationships with others. This is not a guarantee you will get a date, however there’s a good chance you will be able to build some solid relationships with people of both genders. Also with volunteering, depending on where you volunteer you may be able to forge new friendships while contributing to a cause that you care about. These are both two nonthreatening ways you can meet new people. Whether or not you find someone to date in these groups, you’re likely to be a better person for it because you will have more friends and this will help build a sense of community in your life.

Pros

Both of these options are conducive to building friendships that may or may not lead to something more. In either case, they’re both good settings that can help build organic friendships with less pressure than some of the other options. These options may be a good steppingstone for you if you are someone who feels that you have trouble relating to others in social situations and making new friends.

Cons

As with the other options listed in this post there is no guarantee that you’ll meet someone that will be a romantic match.  Again, it may be easy for you to stay in your comfort zone and not take the next step of asking someone out on a date in these settings due to fear of rejection. However, I see benefits in both volunteering and/or  joining a small group that go beyond dating. Having a sense of community can be very helpful and giving you a sense of stability and support which can be very important to your life when you’re single.

Dating in the workplace

Okay, this is a touchy one. I’ve met people who this has worked out for and I also have friends who have ended up in pretty disastrous and awkward situations after dating people at work and the relationship not working out. This is an approach where I go by the saying, “to each their own.”  Personally, when I was single I never dated a coworker and was intentional about that because I don’t like the cons to this approach.  When I was single I preferred to keep my work life and dating life separate. However, I know couples that it has worked out for. There isn’t a magic formula to finding your mate.  The key is to not isolate yourself and be open to meeting new people. So let’s go over the pros and cons of this approach.

Pros

Depending on your workplace you may see this person almost every day. Since you spend so much time at work unless you work from home it’s a good place to build friendships and get to know someone in a non threatening way. If you work in a very large workplace, it might be easier ask someone out from work without the fear of having to see the person almost every day.

Cons

Depending on your workplace you may see this person almost everyday. This can be a pro or con. Having a crush on someone at work at one point in your life or another is pretty common, asking people out at work is a different ball game. Depending on your company’s policies, your position title versus a person you’re asking out, the awkwardness and/or consequences of having to see someone that takes your advances the wrong way; I could go on and on of why when I deliberately chose not to ask people out at work when I was single.  That being said, if you have done your own risk assessment of your workplace and decide to go for it that is your choice.

So to recap, we went over some options that are more conducive to building friendships first and then asking out a person later if there is a romantic interest. I’ve met couples with successful relationships and marriages that have met in the workplace, at meet up groups, at small groups and volunteering, at bars and clubs, on set ups, and off of the street. Basically, you never know how or where you’ll meet your partner. I recommend reflecting on your comfort level and go towards your strengths and interests when choosing from these options in this post. Best of luck.

Dating tip #6 Thanks for the tips guy but I can’t even get a date Part 1

If you have trouble finding a date in the first place, then the tips I’ve given in previous posts may feel pretty useless. So lets go over some options on how and where you can find a date. First we’ll go over some traditional methods, due to modern technology dating apps are quite common in the dating world these days, so I will devote an entire post on my recommendations on how to best use those at a later time. First, let’s address some ways you can meet people and get a date. I’ll go over the pros and cons of each approach and let do you decide where your strengths lie and where you will go about finding your date.

Bars and clubs

If you already regularly go to happy hours and enjoy yourself with your friends in going out drinking and enjoy dancing this may be your natural strength spot. For myself, I’ve had my fair share of nights out at bars and clubs, however I never found it to be my personal strength spot and often had to play the numbers game. If you are naturally a very social person this may be an ideal situation for you, if it is not get ready for the numbers game. On one hand this is one way to get over your fear of rejection pretty quickly, however you may have to approach several women in any given evening to find your date.

Pros

You may find strength in numbers by going out with your friends to these nightspots and find encouragement from your friends and also have a wing man. Also,  you’re more than likely approaching complete strangers so there isn’t much at stake if you get rejected.

Cons

If you struggle a lot with the fear of rejection this may not be the ideal spot for you. Depending on the setting you may find it very difficult to have a meaningful conversation, especially at a loud nightclub. This is an area for the average guy that is generally a numbers game scenario, meaning that you may have to approach several women until you find one that has interest in you. Another con is that if you are approaching complete strangers you really have no idea who this person is or anything about their background. I recommend these settings if you are naturally an extrovert or feel comfortable and genuinely enjoy yourself at bars and clubs. If you do not I don’t recommend forcing yourself into environments you don’t have any interest in. There are way too many other options on how and where to find a date.

Going out on a set up 

I’ve gone out on a few setups. They can be a lot of fun and there can be a comfort level knowing that your friends have more than likely shared some good things about you to your date. I think setups are definitely worth going on because there is a natural social circle already in place for you and your date. That being said, in order for this to happen you will have to be proactive in letting your friends know that you’re interested in being set up with one of the their friends.  This isn’t a big deal but you will be putting yourself out there, which is a good thing.

Pros

You and your date will have mutual friends so there will more than likely be something you have in common with that person already. There is a safety net in place knowing that your friends have your best interests at heart and have set you up with someone who is solid and looking for the same things that you are. You are also at an advantage because your friends will be rooting for you because they set you up and hopefully have said some very nice things about you to your date.

Cons

The cons of this approach include things may get a little awkward between you and your friends if you act like a jackass on the date. Also, things could still get awkward if the two of you begin dating and it doesn’t work out and you have mutual friends. Especially on setups, do your best to be a gentleman because your friends have put their reputations on the line by setting you up with one of their friends. That being said I think going on setups is a good idea. I found that it was easier than going out on a date with somebody you met on a dating app or a stranger you met elsewhere because there’s always that mutual link to the friends that set you up in the first place.

Asking a woman out that you meet in public

Pre-Internet dating apps, this was pretty normal. It still happens but with the convenience of dating apps depending on your comfort level you may choose that route over this. In my experience if you do choose to meet women in public during your daily routine and decide to approach them and ask them out, I wouldn’t waste too much time on pickup lines. The message I encourage you to get across basically goes something like this, introduce yourself and give the woman a compliment and simply get across that you don’t want to regret missing the chance to meet her so you wanted to introduce yourself. I have found this comes across much better than using a cheesy pick up line. At the worst, you may have brightened a person’s day by complimenting her. This approach is a good way to get over your fear of rejection.

Pros

If you’re asking out a complete stranger the stakes are pretty low so even if you do get rejected it’s really not a big deal in most cases.  It can also be fun, you may make someone’s day by telling them you find them beautiful and have a pretty spontaneous interaction.  Another good part of this approach is that the more you do it the less you will likely fear rejection and this will help you not only in your dating life but in other areas of your life where you have to interact with others.

Cons

If you’re not used to using this approach it can be very anxiety provoking. If you’re approaching a complete stranger you again don’t know anything about their background and going solely based on initial physical attraction. This type of approach also falls under the numbers game in that if you are an average looking guy you’re most likely going to have to put in some work.

So to recap we have gone over three different ways you can find a date. In my next post I will go over a few more options that are available to you. I encourage you to assess yourself after reading this post and see which if any approach fits you the best. You’ll feel most comfortable and likely to have more success if you’re playing to your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Best of luck.