In this day and age you maybe wondering why I would recommend limiting text messages during the early stages of dating someone. To give you some context, in my professional life I have a significant amount of experience providing psychotherapy to patients and many of whom were having relational or dating difficulties as one of the main reasons they were seeing me. I cannot count how many times I would hear from patients about arguments or assumptions being made causing friction in relationships due to texting. In my own personal life, I’ve also experienced this dynamic when I’ve dated people and wondered why they didn’t get back to me regarding a text I sent for several hours or get stressed out because I misinterpreted something that they wrote to me and it was simply not helpful. There is definitely a time and a place for texting however I will go over a few reasons why it would be wise to use texting in a more effective manner when dating.

1. Texting leaves a lot of room for assumptions. Imagine going on a first date with the woman that you’re quickly developing a strong crush on. You go ahead and text her a flirty text message and telling her you want to see her again and you don’t hear from her the rest of the day. Now, imagine what starts going through your head. Your thoughts may range from ,”why isn’t she texting me?,” or,”she must not be interested in me.” Now depending on what direction your thought process goes you can end up being sad, angry, or disappointed but what do you actually know at this point? All you really know is that you sent this person a text and you have absolutely no idea why that other person is not responding. I’ve seen this happen so many times, and in a lapse of anger or insecurity you may end up sending a rude follow-up text that really isn’t helpful. All the while, this other person may simply be busy at work, out with friends, or not big on texting and it has nothing to do with you unless you’re able to get more information. I used to recommend to patients to try to catch themselves when they’re making assumptions versus going off of what they actually know. Unfortunately, in my opinion texting as a form of communication leaves the most room for misinterpretation and assumptions.

2. To follow up on misinterpretations, ever have somebody respond to a joke you made poorly? This simply didn’t get it or they didn’t know you meant it to be funny and got offended? Well, texting because there is no face-to-face or voice involved, leaves a greater chance for something that you text to be misinterpreted and that is the last thing you want to happen during the beginning phase of dating.

3. In my opinion the best form of communication is face-to-face because you can read body language, you can talk things out and there is less room for misinterpretation or assumptions. Talking on the phone is better than texting and not as good as face-to-face due to not being able to read another person’s body language. However, for a more serious conversation I would definitely recommend face-to-face or phone versus having a lengthy text message conversation about something of significance.

4. There is a time and place for texting in dating life. If you meet somebody off of a dating site/app of course you will be texting and screening each other out before agreeing to a date. I would recommend going through the general screening out questions then get to the point and set up an in-person date quickly and from that point just wait until you two meet in person. Also, texting simple things like wishing someone a good day or telling them that you’re thinking about them without expecting an immediate response and confirming times to meet or a place to meet are pretty simple things where texting is very convenient and useful.

I would strongly recommend not getting into serious discussions over texting especially in the early stages of dating. Once you two are in a committed relationship it’s really up to you and your significant other on how you want to use texting. Just remember, I used to have plenty of people end up in my office for psychotherapy due to relational issues that were intensified due to arguments that started off as text conversations which would’ve been much more easily handled if they simply talked about more significant things in person instead of through text. So take that for what it’s worth. Until next time, Best of luck.

So imagine you’re out with an engaging woman that you find very attractive and know that you want to ask this person out again for a second date. However, you find yourself struggling with when you should ask this person out again or whether you should wait until after the first date so you don’t look desperate and by the end of the first date you end up feeling nervous and not sure of what to do next. Here are some simple pointers to help set up the second date.

On the first date, while you’re asking about what she’s into pay close attention to hobbies and interests that may also interest you. For example, she may mention she likes to go hiking or is really into some other activity that you have at least a minimal interest in. Try to find two or three to keep in the back of your mind and you can use this information in two ways. During the first date you can feel things out casually by saying something to the effect of, “there’s this really good hiking spot I go to every now and then with friends and we should go sometime.” If this is done casually and you get a positive response then follow-up a few days later after your first date and ask her out to the activity you have already mentioned. Another way to go about this is a few days after your first date to send your date a message or phone call and tell her that you remembered that she mentioned she was really into “whatever hobby/Interest,” and ask her if she would like to join you doing one of these activities for a second date.

When is it too soon ask for a second date? This dilemma reminds me of a time when before cell phones were super common in the 1990’s when the general rule of thumb was to wait at least three days before calling a girl after getting her phone number to not look too desperate. This requires some good intuition and not everybody is the same. For example, I had gone on a few dates with one woman and she seemed to prefer daily texting back and forth after our first couple of dates. With a different woman I dated after her, I made the mistake of assuming she would want the same level of attention and she basically called me annoying for texting her too much after a couple dates. Best thing to do would be to ask during your first date if she is a type of person that likes texting often or talking on the phone or neither. If you don’t have this information I would recommend playing it cool and text or call her 3 to 4 days later and mention that you had a really good time on the first date and ask her out for the second date.

Asking a woman out for a second date in my opinion is usually easier than asking for a first date in most cases. So if you’ve gotten this far then you have done the hard part and hope you get the second date. Best of luck.

Unfortunately a large number of people of East Asian descent including myself, experience the Asian Glow/Flush when drinking alcohol. This can be embarrassing in social settings and often very physically uncomfortable. If you’re not familiar with the Asian Flush, imagine your face turning beat red and even your neck and feeling a very uncomfortable burning sensation. There are a few ways I’ve seen people deal with this, one is to not care, DIY solutions that you can find on the Internet or even products which I have no idea whether or not they work or not, or decide not to drink alcohol. For myself through different seasons of my life I’ve either been a social drinker or chosen not to drink alcohol which is my current lifestyle choice.

I’m not going to promote any DIY solutions or products primarily because of studies like this. This link to an article from the National Institute of health include statements like, “It is very important for clinicians who treat patients of East Asian descent to be aware of the risk of esophageal cancer from alcohol consumption in their patients who exhibit the alcohol flushing response, so they can counsel them about limiting their drinking,” says NIAAA Acting Director Kenneth R. Warren, Ph.D.” For myself, I decided that it wasn’t worth the risk to continue drinking alcohol to possibly increase my chance of getting esophageal cancer.

The Asian flush can feel very embarrassing and make people feel self-conscious especially in social and dating settings. You may feel left out if you choose not to drink alcohol and out of place in social settings like happy hour, dates, or simply just about any activity that includes alcohol. There is not one single way to handle this, I have friends who have no problem going out to happy hour or a winery and abstaining from drinking alcohol. On the other hand, I often have felt uncomfortable being sober at a drinking outing if I chose not to drink because I would get bored while sober. Everyone responds differently in situations like this.

Tips on how to handle this in a dating situation

1. If you don’t drink just be upfront with your date. In my experience, most women will respect this and the ones that don’t are pretty far and few between.
2. At a social outing you don’t have to be embarrassed because you don’t drink alcohol. One of the most confident things you can say is,” I don’t drink because I’m allergic.” Sounds simple enough but I’ve only seen very few people handle it that way.
3. If you do choose to drink alcohol and feel self-conscious about this, telling your date beforehand will more than likely decrease your anxiety about it.
4. If you choose not to drink alcohol, experiment going out with your friends and see if you have a good time or if you feel uncomfortable in settings abstaining from alcohol. Everyone is different regarding this and the only way to find out is to try for yourself.

What I don’t recommend doing is allowing yourself to be very self-conscious about this and be the guy constantly asking a friend or whoever you’re with if you’re turning red or not. It is a natural response to do this, I’ve done it myself in the past but learning to be comfortable in your own skin is very important not only in dating but in most aspects of your life. So if you do experience the Asian flush, it doesn’t have to severely affect your dating life. You just have to make a decision about how you’re going to handle and communicate about it whether that includes drinking alcohol or choosing to abstain. Best of luck.