Dating Tip #10 Dating apps, tips on how to use them part 1

Presently, there are so many different dating apps to choose from that I will describe them by types. There are pros and cons to each type and with newer apps some come with different twists but the concepts are generally pretty similar. The types I’m more familiar with are the swipe to match type of apps or the direct message type of dating apps like OkCupid or Plenty of Fish. There really isn’t a,”best,” dating app to use as they all have their pros and cons so lets go over apps like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish that offer a direct message route.

Pros

You can message a lot of people depending on how much time and effort you want to invest. They are also both good for locating people within your vicinity. The pool of users is pretty big so there is the opportunity to meet a lot of different types of people. There is generally a wide variety of people looking for different things ranging from casual dating to serious relationships depending on what you are looking for.

Cons

The sheer number of people on these dating apps can feel overwhelming. It can get frustrating messaging several women in order to get a response, and sometimes no response at all despite messaging several different people. Remember, women generally get a lot more messages on these types of apps than men so don’t take it personally if you don’t get many responses. These types of dating apps can get very time consuming due to messaging several different people to get a response.

Tip 1

Sending messages to a mass amount of strangers can feel very repetitive with very little return on your time and effort and you may feel the temptation to simply cut-and-paste your intro message instead of sending a detailed message to each person. This is pretty common, I suggest if you do use a cut and paste intro message to glance over the other person’s profile and after your cut and pasted intro message to mention something that you saw in the other person’s profile that caught your interest. This will show that you at least to took the time to look over their profile.

Tip 2

Set a time limit for yourself. It’s very easy to experience burn out and get discouraged using apps like this if you don’t prioritize your time. I recommend that you set aside a period of time ranging from a half hour to one hour each day to message people. This will help you to not disregard your other responsibilities while searching for dating prospects. If you do get discouraged, remember that this is a numbers game with these apps and some days you’ll match with somebody very quickly and other times you might go through a dry spell. Setting a time limit should help limit this feeling of discouragement during the dry spells.

Tip 3

Keep in mind when you do enter a text conversation what the dating prospect that they most likely are getting messages from several other men. So it’s very important that after a few feeling out questions that you get to the point and ask the person out on a date. Remember, you’re not looking for a chat buddy and beyond a few screening questions you can save your questions for when you’re out on a date.

Tip 4

Fill out as many questions as you can on the app to help improve your matches. Often the sheer amount of questions apps like this will ask about you may feel overwhelming. If you find this to be the case, then fill out a few questions a day and this should help improve your chances to match with someone with similar interests. Also, if a woman is seriously considering going out on a date with you then the questions that you have answered may help the other person to feel that the two of you may have some things in common.

These apps in particular do require a solid amount of time and effort. I do believe they are worth a try and just keep in mind when you get discouraged that at least you could do this from the comfort of your own home in your pajamas instead of going out to ask out a bunch of women. With some time and effort you may meet some interesting people. I personally have friends who have had long-term relationships with people they have met on these types of dating apps and I know one couple that got married after meeting on one of these sites. I’ve personally gone on several dates using these types of dating apps so I do feel they have some use. Best of luck.

Dating Tip #9 Be honest with yourself about your intentions

One key to being a good date but also a good partner in a serious relationship is having good insight about yourself and your expectations in a relationship. This will help you to be able to communicate clearly with whoever you choose to date and to your future long-term partner. You can start the process even before you meet that special someone. If you don’t know what you’re looking for then who does?

If you can be brutally honest with yourself about where you’re at in life and what you’re looking for in dating, this may will help clarify to yourself and to others what your intentions are. This is important to help yourself set good boundaries and limits with others and also to own your choices to avoid playing a victim card. One example of this would be if you’re in a place where you know that all you’re looking for is casual dating and hookups then you can weigh the risks versus rewards to that type of approach. If all you’re looking for is a hook up it would be wise to weigh the risks that you might catch an STD or have some other unwanted drama in your life and then you may be able to better weigh the pros and cons of your approach.

Likewise, if you know you’re looking for a serious relationship or possibly someone to marry then the lens that you see through on whom you choose to date will be much different than if you were just looking for casual dating and hookups. If you don’t take the time to assess what your goals are in dating then you may just float around aimlessly without filtering out dating prospects that don’t fit what you’re looking for.

Let’s do an exercise together.

Imagine you have 3 cups and you only have enough liquid to fill one cup to its maximum another cup half way and very little liquid left to fill the third cup and the criteria of this exercise is that you have to choose one to fill to its maximum and one to fill halfway and one to have a few droplets left. Now, one cup is labeled,” physical beauty,” and the second cup is,” personality,” and the third cup is labeled, “character.” Now I want you to go ahead and fill your imaginary cups.

So if you immediately filled the physical beauty cup to its maximum and the character cup comes in third then you may be more suited for casual dating at this point in my opinion. If over time character and personality become more important to you then you may be developing more towards wanting a committed long term relationship as your focus. I’m not saying physical attraction is not important because it is, however if that is your end goal it’s not sustainable because we all age and after the initial rush of dating someone for a few months or longer then reality eventually sets in. From personal experience, I’ve dated women that I have found beautiful at the beginning of a relationship and by the end I found them quite unattractive mainly due to character and personality. On the other hand, I’ve met women that my attraction grew over time due to character and personality.

This is a pretty simple exercise but I would do it every few months in your dating life to help provide some clarity and framework for what you’re looking for. This can change back-and-forth depending on what’s going on in your own life but it’s important to assess yourself from time to time so that you can own your decisions and be able to filter out what you are not looking for. Best of luck.

Dating tip #8 Building your internet dating profile

Your online dating profile picture will be the first and possibly last thing your dating prospects will see on your dating profile. So why not put some extra effort into it? It is definitely worth putting in a little bit of effort into your dating profile whether or not you feel like people are ever going to read it or not. This is because the women that are genuinely interested in going on a date with you will likely eventually read it. It doesn’t take much time and just as you would if you were job searching and posting your information on a job networking site, you want to put your best foot forward.

Some tips on your profile picture

1.Make sure your picture is recent enough to be an accurate representation of what you currently look like. If you’ve ever been on a date with someone using a picture from several years ago and they looked nothing like it, speaking for myself I really didn’t appreciate it the couple of times it happened to me. Be confident enough to use a recent picture.

2. Don’t wear hats or sunglasses in your profile picture. I recommend using a picture from your shoulders up that people can clearly see your face.

3. Don’t use selfies, they usually don’t look very good on a profile pic and it shows a lack of effort. If you must use a cropped group photo, make sure it’s not a picture of you and another woman with their head cropped out because doing that also doesn’t make a good impression.

4. If you don’t have any recent pictures of yourself that you like then take the time to create some new ones. Ask a friend for an hour of their time and have them take a couple of good head shots with good natural lighting and wear a nice shirt and you should be good to go.

I recommend using at least four to five pictures in your dating profile. You don’t necessarily need to use group photos but if you do, try to use one that shows you’re out doing an activity you like, for example a group photo while out hiking. This type of picture will also help others see what you look like from the shoulders down.

You may be tempted to take shortcuts in the blurb about yourself but don’t because women generally get a lot more messages than men do, especially Asian men so put your best foot forward. If you use generic terms like,” I like to travel, I like going out to eat, and I like movies.” This sounds very generic, use some specific examples like where you recently traveled to and what you liked about it and what types of food you like and why and also for example if you do you like movies name a couple that are your favorite. You get the idea, doing this will make your profile feel more personable.

As long as you take care of those two parts, you’re good. I’ll leave it up to you on whether or not you want to share what you are looking for in a potential date because that can often change depending on what stage of life you are in. I hope these couple of tips help with your online dating profile. Best of luck.

Dating tip #7 Thanks for the tips guy but I can’t even get a date, Part 2

Let’s continue where we left off and explore some other options of where you can meet women to ask out on a date. We’re going to explore some options that are more conducive to building organic relationships that often start out as friendships and can possibly move on to something more. These options will help decrease socially isolative behavior and help you to put yourself out there to meet people and try new things. So let’s get started.

Meet up groups

Meet up groups are a good way to make new friends and try new activities or practice hobbies you already have while making new friends. Meetup.com has plenty of different groups and activities ranging from single groups to activity groups like hiking, trying new restaurants, and just about anything you can think of that you don’t want to do alone. If you feel like you don’t have many friends to spend time with or have recently moved to a new city,  this can be a very good option for you to meet new people in a way that is more relaxed then going on a one-on-one date.

Pros

The pros of this approach is that you get to meet new people and try new activities in a relaxed setting. It’s a good way to practice improving your social skills and meet people with common interests. Also, the stakes are pretty low in that there are so many meet up groups that if you don’t click with people in one group you can simply try a different one very easily.

Cons

While you may make friends there is no guarantee that you’ll meet eligible singles unless you join a singles meet up group or something similar. You may be tempted to not stretch yourself by not asking people and just stay in your comfort zone due to fear of rejection with the people that you meet in these groups. Other than that, there aren’t too many cons to this approach, because either way you get a chance to meet new people and try new things which is very healthy for you whether you find a date or not.

Church small group/Volunteering

If you happen to be a Christian and go to church regularly joining a small group is one of the best things you can do to build organic relationships with others. This is not a guarantee you will get a date, however there’s a good chance you will be able to build some solid relationships with people of both genders. Also with volunteering, depending on where you volunteer you may be able to forge new friendships while contributing to a cause that you care about. These are both two nonthreatening ways you can meet new people. Whether or not you find someone to date in these groups, you’re likely to be a better person for it because you will have more friends and this will help build a sense of community in your life.

Pros

Both of these options are conducive to building friendships that may or may not lead to something more. In either case, they’re both good settings that can help build organic friendships with less pressure than some of the other options. These options may be a good steppingstone for you if you are someone who feels that you have trouble relating to others in social situations and making new friends.

Cons

As with the other options listed in this post there is no guarantee that you’ll meet someone that will be a romantic match.  Again, it may be easy for you to stay in your comfort zone and not take the next step of asking someone out on a date in these settings due to fear of rejection. However, I see benefits in both volunteering and/or  joining a small group that go beyond dating. Having a sense of community can be very helpful and giving you a sense of stability and support which can be very important to your life when you’re single.

Dating in the workplace

Okay, this is a touchy one. I’ve met people who this has worked out for and I also have friends who have ended up in pretty disastrous and awkward situations after dating people at work and the relationship not working out. This is an approach where I go by the saying, “to each their own.”  Personally, when I was single I never dated a coworker and was intentional about that because I don’t like the cons to this approach.  When I was single I preferred to keep my work life and dating life separate. However, I know couples that it has worked out for. There isn’t a magic formula to finding your mate.  The key is to not isolate yourself and be open to meeting new people. So let’s go over the pros and cons of this approach.

Pros

Depending on your workplace you may see this person almost every day. Since you spend so much time at work unless you work from home it’s a good place to build friendships and get to know someone in a non threatening way. If you work in a very large workplace, it might be easier ask someone out from work without the fear of having to see the person almost every day.

Cons

Depending on your workplace you may see this person almost everyday. This can be a pro or con. Having a crush on someone at work at one point in your life or another is pretty common, asking people out at work is a different ball game. Depending on your company’s policies, your position title versus a person you’re asking out, the awkwardness and/or consequences of having to see someone that takes your advances the wrong way; I could go on and on of why when I deliberately chose not to ask people out at work when I was single.  That being said, if you have done your own risk assessment of your workplace and decide to go for it that is your choice.

So to recap, we went over some options that are more conducive to building friendships first and then asking out a person later if there is a romantic interest. I’ve met couples with successful relationships and marriages that have met in the workplace, at meet up groups, at small groups and volunteering, at bars and clubs, on set ups, and off of the street. Basically, you never know how or where you’ll meet your partner. I recommend reflecting on your comfort level and go towards your strengths and interests when choosing from these options in this post. Best of luck.

Dating tip #6 Thanks for the tips guy but I can’t even get a date Part 1

If you have trouble finding a date in the first place, then the tips I’ve given in previous posts may feel pretty useless. So lets go over some options on how and where you can find a date. First we’ll go over some traditional methods, due to modern technology dating apps are quite common in the dating world these days, so I will devote an entire post on my recommendations on how to best use those at a later time. First, let’s address some ways you can meet people and get a date. I’ll go over the pros and cons of each approach and let do you decide where your strengths lie and where you will go about finding your date.

Bars and clubs

If you already regularly go to happy hours and enjoy yourself with your friends in going out drinking and enjoy dancing this may be your natural strength spot. For myself, I’ve had my fair share of nights out at bars and clubs, however I never found it to be my personal strength spot and often had to play the numbers game. If you are naturally a very social person this may be an ideal situation for you, if it is not get ready for the numbers game. On one hand this is one way to get over your fear of rejection pretty quickly, however you may have to approach several women in any given evening to find your date.

Pros

You may find strength in numbers by going out with your friends to these nightspots and find encouragement from your friends and also have a wing man. Also,  you’re more than likely approaching complete strangers so there isn’t much at stake if you get rejected.

Cons

If you struggle a lot with the fear of rejection this may not be the ideal spot for you. Depending on the setting you may find it very difficult to have a meaningful conversation, especially at a loud nightclub. This is an area for the average guy that is generally a numbers game scenario, meaning that you may have to approach several women until you find one that has interest in you. Another con is that if you are approaching complete strangers you really have no idea who this person is or anything about their background. I recommend these settings if you are naturally an extrovert or feel comfortable and genuinely enjoy yourself at bars and clubs. If you do not I don’t recommend forcing yourself into environments you don’t have any interest in. There are way too many other options on how and where to find a date.

Going out on a set up 

I’ve gone out on a few setups. They can be a lot of fun and there can be a comfort level knowing that your friends have more than likely shared some good things about you to your date. I think setups are definitely worth going on because there is a natural social circle already in place for you and your date. That being said, in order for this to happen you will have to be proactive in letting your friends know that you’re interested in being set up with one of the their friends.  This isn’t a big deal but you will be putting yourself out there, which is a good thing.

Pros

You and your date will have mutual friends so there will more than likely be something you have in common with that person already. There is a safety net in place knowing that your friends have your best interests at heart and have set you up with someone who is solid and looking for the same things that you are. You are also at an advantage because your friends will be rooting for you because they set you up and hopefully have said some very nice things about you to your date.

Cons

The cons of this approach include things may get a little awkward between you and your friends if you act like a jackass on the date. Also, things could still get awkward if the two of you begin dating and it doesn’t work out and you have mutual friends. Especially on setups, do your best to be a gentleman because your friends have put their reputations on the line by setting you up with one of their friends. That being said I think going on setups is a good idea. I found that it was easier than going out on a date with somebody you met on a dating app or a stranger you met elsewhere because there’s always that mutual link to the friends that set you up in the first place.

Asking a woman out that you meet in public

Pre-Internet dating apps, this was pretty normal. It still happens but with the convenience of dating apps depending on your comfort level you may choose that route over this. In my experience if you do choose to meet women in public during your daily routine and decide to approach them and ask them out, I wouldn’t waste too much time on pickup lines. The message I encourage you to get across basically goes something like this, introduce yourself and give the woman a compliment and simply get across that you don’t want to regret missing the chance to meet her so you wanted to introduce yourself. I have found this comes across much better than using a cheesy pick up line. At the worst, you may have brightened a person’s day by complimenting her. This approach is a good way to get over your fear of rejection.

Pros

If you’re asking out a complete stranger the stakes are pretty low so even if you do get rejected it’s really not a big deal in most cases.  It can also be fun, you may make someone’s day by telling them you find them beautiful and have a pretty spontaneous interaction.  Another good part of this approach is that the more you do it the less you will likely fear rejection and this will help you not only in your dating life but in other areas of your life where you have to interact with others.

Cons

If you’re not used to using this approach it can be very anxiety provoking. If you’re approaching a complete stranger you again don’t know anything about their background and going solely based on initial physical attraction. This type of approach also falls under the numbers game in that if you are an average looking guy you’re most likely going to have to put in some work.

So to recap we have gone over three different ways you can find a date. In my next post I will go over a few more options that are available to you. I encourage you to assess yourself after reading this post and see which if any approach fits you the best. You’ll feel most comfortable and likely to have more success if you’re playing to your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Best of luck.

Dating tip #5 Fear of rejection and how to overcome it

Fear of rejection–this is something we generally all experience whether it’s in the workplace when going on a job interview or in our personal lives, especially in dating. This is something that prevents a lot of people from putting themselves out there and getting to know other people especially in the dating context. If you’ve had experiences or jobs that required constant interaction with new people this may be less of an issue for you. For example, if you have had a job in direct sales you’re more than likely to have developed a thick skin and recognize that sales are often a numbers game of how many people you interact with. Often, this is also the case in dating especially with the rise in popularity of dating apps as well as in settings like bars and clubs or even your local church you may find it’s often a numbers game.

Unless you are very blessed and incredibly lucky often you will experience rejection in one context or another and in reality it just shows you have the courage to put yourself out there. Every male friend that I’ve known in my life whether they are a legit ”ladies man,” or not has eventually been rejected, often multiple times. Reflecting on my own past dating life I’ve been rejected in just about every context I can think of, meeting women at a coffee shop or in bars or clubs, dating apps, church, on my walk to work, you get the idea. What I’ve learned from this and from others, is that if you are persistent enough you will eventually find someone who will be willing to have a conversation with you and possibly a date.

Overcoming the fear of rejection in my opinion is a lot like riding a bike. You simply have to get on the bike and over time it will get easier. You may get lucky and have immediate success or it may take some time and work just like anything that is worth your time. My first suggestion is to assess yourself and think of what setting meeting someone at brings up the most anxiety in you. It could be at the prospect of meeting someone at a bar or club, asking someone out in your existing social circles, work, or on the Internet/Dating apps. Next I would make it a goal to try to attempt to start a conversation with 2 to 3 people a week with the opposite sex. This will help you overcome your fear of rejection and with this gradual exposure your anxiety will probably decrease over time.

If the prospect of starting a conversation with someone at a setting like a bar, a club or a coffee shop causes too much anxiety for you I would start with creating an Internet profile on a dating site like OkCupid for example and make it a practice to begin messaging people at least 2 to 3 times a week to start to begin the process of putting yourself out there. Ideally, eventually you’ll be able to start a conversation with someone in real life however this is a good place to start.

So just as a recap remember the fear of rejection is very common and just about anyone who has a substantial amount of dating experience has more than likely been rejected at one point or another. Don’t take the rejection too personally by looking at dating as a numbers game in that it may take several attempts to find someone interested in conversing with you whether it’s on a dating app or in more traditional settings. Make it a goal to start 2 to 3 conversations a week with a member of the opposite sex and/or create a dating profile and begin messaging people you’re interested in 2 to 3 times a week to gently overcome your fear of rejection.

Best of luck.

Dating tip #4 Develop your friendships with women to improve your social skills

  If you struggle with finding a date in the first place and have trouble meeting women, I will get to those tips regarding where and how to get dates in later posts. For this post I want you to focus on developing your existing friendships with women which can indirectly or directly help your dating life. These women can be people you’re not necessarily attracted to in a romantic sense but interact with on a regular basis for example coworkers, platonic friends, a small group at Church, common social groups or activity groups. Learning to be more social by interacting with more women will naturally improve your social skills and in turn will benefit you when you’re meeting new people on dates.

    In my own personal life, I loved being one of the guys. Through my 20s I had a decent number of platonic girlfriends but preferred hanging out and being one of the guys. This was great until my late 20s and early 30s when most of my male friends were either partnered with their significant other or already married with kids. At that point, almost by accident, I found myself hanging out more often with female platonic friends mainly because my guys were busy with their partners and/or kids. I didn’t personally prefer hanging out with platonic girlfriends at first, but it really helped me in my development as a person and also in my dating life. Now, I have a pretty even amount of close girlfriends and guy friends and appreciate their company equally.

    The benefits of doing this, it is a lot less threatening than dating if you lack confidence to hang out with women that you don’t consider a dating prospect. You will learn more about the opposite sex, improve your social skills, have more opportunities to go out and in turn try new activities, try new places to eat, and generally help you become a more interesting person. Being on a date with someone with very few interests is very boring. Some other benefits, your friend will likely have girlfriends and may set you up with one or out on a group outing you may hit it off with one of her friends. Also, when you are dating, these platonic girlfriends can give you invaluable advice, help you avoid some unnecessary drama by pointing out red flags about a person you’re starting to date and be a good listening ear.

    In developing my own platonic friendships with women, I found that I objectified women a lot less, became a better listener and improved my communication skills which directly translated to improving my dating life. So my tip for today is if you find yourself home alone a lot of weekends or feel like you don’t have any dating prospects think of women in your life that you interact with in your natural circles and be a little more intentional about spending time with them and developing these friendships even if you are not attracted to them in a romantic sense. This will help you quite a bit in your dating life because by objectifying women less, you will be able to relate to women better. Trust me on this. It’s worth it. Best of luck.